Months ago

 

I hadn’t seen her in a while, I had moved away. I never really hated her; everyone just assumed that I did. Of course I thought about her now and then, she was my first. My first everything. See, she didn’t break me, I broke her, and then we broke each other.

I remember the first time I saw her, and the second I broke up with her. The blue in her hair, the tears in her eyes, and the thoughts racing through my mind.

I always thought it was what I wanted. For her to leave me alone, for her to just disappear. I let her see every aspect of me. Of my pain, my fears, my guilt, everything that should have never been seen. And she knew that we were in the danger zone.

When I moved away, I thought about her all the damn time, it was cruel. And then one day I couldn’t handle it. I conspired with my best friend to go out on a double date.

I knew she had someone else in her life. But, I needed to know. I needed her, I always did.

That night, we ended up at a park. It was cold, I was cold, and so was her heart. We sat there, and every once and a while she’d let me hold her, but she knew what I wanted. She knew it wasn’t warmth. If anything, I wanted to warm that cold spot on her heart where my name was.

I needed back in.

“I love you. I still love you like I did. I miss you. I’m still IN love with you..” talk about putting yourself out there. Can’t wait to do that again. Yeah fucking right.

“What am I supposed to say to you? You broke my heart, and I never knew why. I loved you with everything I could…” she told me, tears rimming her eyes.

“I’m sorry. I’d take it all back if I could, you know that. We were so young and so caught up in each other, I didn’t know what to do.” I told her choking up on my own tears.

“You and I won’t happen ever again. Maybe when we’re older. Maybe one day.. we’ll end up back with each other. Today, no. today we talk. Today, we sit. Today, we remember how cute I look.” She smiled and kissed my forehead. “I love you. Ashley Davies, I love you. I’m not in love with you. But, I love you.”