I’ve been watching her all summer. Wait, let me explain, because that sounded far creepier than I intended. You see, this girl moved in next door to me about three months ago. She spends most of her days in her backyard, lounging around the pool, reading, or working on some minor home renovations. I have never been much of an outdoorsman, but since she arrived, I have managed to become an expert with the grill, build an outside deck and even got rid of my farmers tan for the first time in a few years.

I wouldn’t call what I do “stalking” per say, it is more a matter of coincidental viewing. I mean it’s not like I am climbing walls or peering into her bedroom with binoculars or anything like that. She keeps the blinds closed all of the time anyways. But, if she is outside tanning in a bikini and I just so happen to be painting my brand new deck (again) than so be it. I’ve planned out little scenarios for talking to her in my mind, about leaning over the little wooden fence dividing our property and making some plea about being out of charcoal for my grill. But, her grill is propane and I apparently have no balls.

So, thanks to my neutered status we have spent the majority of this hot Los Angeles summer within 50 feet of each other and never shared a word. Now, you can imagine my surprise today when I heard a soft feminine voice uttering a polite, “Excuse me?” from the other side of the fence where I was trimming some bushes. Needless to say my head shot up as I turned to face her, the back of my hand lifting to wipe any gathering sweat from my brow. There she was, standing there and smiling like she had no idea what kind of effort I had put into getting her to notice me.

As I watch her neighborly smile fade into slight confusion, I realized I still hadn’t said anything. Shit. If I ever had any chance of befriending her before, they were now out the window. I was soon to be reduced to the rank of ‘that creepy neighbor guy’. Flashing a embarrassed smile I set down the comically large clippers in my hand, “Can I help you?” I manage, trying to speak as coolly as possible.