She stopped and took a big breath, holding up one finger as if to signal that she isn’t done.

“Tonight though, Spence, I don’t know what came over me.  You got into my car, and you just absolutely took my breath away.  You have never looked so beautiful to me, so perfect.  I was overwhelmed, and everything I had been bottling up for so long just came rushing to the surface.  I messed up by getting you drunk, and then drinking so much myself.  Somehow, in my fucked up head, I thought that being intoxicated would make things easier on me, on you… oh I don’t know…”  Her voice faded away.  “I understand if you’re freaked out, or if you hate me for really trying to take advantage of you or if you never want to talk to me again.  Honestly, after tonight, I don’t know if I’ll be able to be around you as much anymore…”

The last sentence stung.  I didn’t know what to think, or how to react to everything Ashley was saying to me, but I knew that I didn’t want the result of this night to be that we would spend less time together.

“Is it ok, if I say something now?”  I smiled meekly at her, but she didn’t raise her head.  I could see her shoulders rising and falling quickly, and I heard a faint squeak from her.  She was crying again.  I scooted across the bed and positioned myself next to her.  I sat there for a moment, not quite sure of what I should or shouldn’t do.  We were sitting right next to each other, facing in opposite directions.  Her crying intensified, and I realized that no matter what else was going on, this girl was my best friend, and I couldn’t bear to watch her suffer anymore.  I wrapped my left arm around her front and pulled her closer to me in an embrace.  With my right hand, I tilted her head up from under her chin and started wiping the tears from her cheeks.  I tried to force a smile, but I knew she wouldn’t return it.

Finally, her crying started to subside and I wrapped my right arm the rest of the way around her.  She rested her head on my shoulder, and after a few moments, I could sense her beginning to understand that I simply wanted to give her the comfort she needed.  She returned the embrace, sliding her arms around my waist as well.  After a while, I spoke very softly.

“Thank you, Ash.  Thank you so much for being brave enough to be honest with me.  I think we’ve both done enough talking for one night, but I will say that I promise you that everything will be okay.  We’ll figure this all out.  Please, just don’t shut me out.  I don’t know what I would do without you.”

I felt her head move on my shoulder and interpreted it as a nod. 

“I don’t know about you, but I’m exhausted now.”

She lifted her head off my shoulder and looked up at me.  I could tell by her expression, she agreed.  We climbed under the covers, and I began starting to drift off.  Something was keeping me awake, though.  Something didn’t feel quite right.  I rolled over and looked at Ashley.  She had her back to me, and while we were lying a lot closer to each other than we had been earlier that evening, I still felt like she was miles away.  I thought to myself for a moment, once again hesitating to do what I impulsively wanted to. 

This is silly, Spencer.  What are you doing?  Why are you hesitating? 

I moved myself closer to her on the bed, and I saw her stir as I moved.  She was still awake.  I laid down right behind her and pressed my body against hers, spooning her.  I slid my left hand under her head and wrapped my right one around her stomach and settled my head into the pillow while embracing her.  I had felt her freeze up when she sensed me behind her.  I didn’t let that stop me, and I knew it was all okay when I felt her put her own right hand over mine and interlock our fingers.  She fell asleep almost immediately afterwards, because she started lightly snoring. 

I couldn’t help but smile.

This felt right.  Now I can sleep.

And we did, with me holding her.