It was raining heavily and violently, my clothes were clinging to my body. Thunder echoed and lightning flashed, yet I stood there standing still, watching how the waves rolled and crashed in the waters below me. Wearing only jeans and a black tank top should have made me cold. I should have been shaking. And I was, but for a different reason entirely. My skin wasn’t suffering from the cold around me, it wasn’t the one freezing with no warmth to help it. No, my skin was fine.

It was my heart that was cold. My heart that was suffering.
Sam…My Sam, no…not my Sam anymore.

Emily’s Sam. He would never again be my Sam, and sometimes I doubted if he ever had been.

Tears were flowing down my face but the rain hid them, concealing them just like my anger and hate concealed my pain. No one knew, no one could understand. They all thought I was a cold heated bitch and I let them, I did nothing to discourage their thoughts. What else could I do? They expected me to already be over him, but how could I forget the love I still felt? The way my heart ached with hurt when I saw them together. The way I couldn’t breathe properly around him.

But as I looked down at the frothy water raging below me, it all faded away. Not the hurt, no, the hurt would never fade away, not completely, maybe in time it would dampen, and maybe sometimes it would be less numbing. But it would never completely fade.

Never. I was stuck with it, like a constant companion I didn’t want, but never wanted to loose. And suddenly it wasn’t just quiet tears, it wasn’t just soft crying. I was full out sobbing. I’d never cried like it since my dad had died almost two months ago. But now I let it all out, falling to my knees, the pain serving as substitute anger as I transformed into my other half.

Jacob, Sam and Paul were all in wolf form, but I couldn’t stop the severity of my pain, I was howling at the full moon above me, not sure exactly when I had transformed, I hadn‘t even felt it. The pain from my heart had masked the pain from my body ripping itself apart and reforming again in a new shape.

I felt them asking what was wrong in my head, but I couldn’t get the words out to reply, I was unable to form even a simple word.

There, on the stormy cliffs in La Push, I lost myself to the pain; I lost myself as I never had before.

I felt Jacob, Sam and Paul all running towards me and I knew the exact moment the pack emerged from the forest around me and the exact moment I changed back with them and they held me, I just lay with them, resting in their arms, they seemed to forget about the pain I’d caused, all the hurt my bitchiness had produced.

In that moment, I knew that no matter what I’d done, they were all there for me, whether I liked it or not.

Afterwards, I tried to piece myself together again, but I was like a jigsaw puzzle with a piece missing. And on my own, I couldn’t replace that piece because my Pack together were that piece; they were the ones to keep me sane even if we were sometimes at each others throat. Not just with their warmth and their care, but the friendly jabs and spats we had, not every single minute we were together was spent suffering, there were times, just times when we‘d protect each other, like when Jacob pushed me out of the way from that leech, getting hurt whilst doing it. He’d done that because I was a member of the pack, no matter haw much I hated it sometimes.

They didn’t just help me through it, they guided me through it, because without them, I know I would have gone back to that cliff and thrown myself off, just like my original intent had been. But once again, my family had saved me.