“You know Spencer it isn’t just something I noticed in four days. This was only recent things. When we first introduced you into the group two years ago, you seemed like a team player. Then only after a few months that is when I noticed something in you change.” It was then that the panic started to set in again but I was able to keep my face even and unmoved. “It has been really slow, but it was happening back then. Now I don’t even know who you are anymore.”

‘Neither do I.’ I thought.

Natalie let out a disgusted sigh and folded her arms and said, “I really miss who you used to be.”

Madison stood up slowly that drew my attention. “I told you before you should really just let things go.” I really was not sure who Mads was talking to, Natalie or me, but she gave me a meaningful look as if she was trying to tell me something that caught me off guard. She then turned to Natalie and told her, “Grow up.” With that, she snatched her tray, dumped it in the nearest trashcan and walked off toward the exit.

I was frozen in my seat feeling that I was about to cry. It was only a defense mechanism the way I lash out at Ashley that I thought I broke, but still I am trying to save myself from anyone knowing how things truly were.

The strange thing is that before now, I could just fake everything by slipping back into my stoic state, but now I just could not. As I look at Ashley who was so happy before and now looked crushed and knowing I was the cause made my heart sink. I broke the promise I made to myself, and worse to see her so low and my extricated empathetic heart was with hers. Lower than I felt since the day I saw her exit her meeting.

My eyes veered over to Ashley once everyone had resumed their own conversations and I could not help the longing look that bloomed across my face. It was then that I locked eyes with Rachel who gave me a pitying smile and shook her head. She was the only person who knew my pathetic secret, and now that I unburdened myself, I do not think I can ever go back to the way I was in Natalie’s eyes. What’s more, I did not want to go back to being that way.

There was a new conviction that settled in me that I just did not want to leave Ashley alone. I wanted so much more than that. I wanted to change her opinion of me no matter the cost. I was going to pursue Ashley knowing that she would probably end up hurting because of all the times I hurt her, but I did not want to go back to cutting off my emotions. All I really wanted was to be with Ashley more than any desire in this world. Whatever the capacity because it truly did not matter to me. My memory is calling back to something that Rachel told me:

‘I guess people do anything to keep someone they love close.’

That was going to be my driving force from here on…or perhaps not now because the energy was too awkward given my irrational outburst. Reluctantly, I pulled my eyes back to Natalie who continued to talk to me about cheer practice blissfully unaware.

How I envied her.