I cant believe what has just happened me today. I saw Alice, the love of my life Alice. I don’t know what to do about it and I cant believe no-one told me she was going to be coming back. They let me find out by the off chance of me seeing her, I cant believe they would do that. More to the point I cant believe she would do it. To leave me so unprepared with facing the feelings that I’ve blocked out over the past 10 years. I want to be angry but I cant, I wanted to run to her and hold her but I couldn’t. I have all of these feelings inside and I don’t know what to do with them. I keep picking up the phone to ring the number Shane gave me, but I loose my nerve as soon as hear the ring tone. This is Alice, the one thing I regret most in my life. How can I face my biggest fear, my biggest regret. What I do know is I need to explain myself to her. To at least let her know why I made the biggest mistake of my life, but how?

03.00am

Ok, so I’m sitting here at 3am with a letter in my hands. I think this is maybe the 6^th letter I’ve wrote to her and maybe the only one I’m happy to send. I have spent the last 4 hours trying to write down what I feel inside. Apart from leaving her its one of the hardest things I’ve had to do in my life. I have butterflies in my stomach, working their way up to my throat when I think of sending it to her. Well my eyes are fighting me to sleep, so I’m going to give them their wish and go to bed. Although I don’t know if I can get much sleep my mind is too full of thoughts, too full of Alice.

15 September 12.00pm

Ok, so I’m panicking more than a little because I’ve just given Shane the letter I wrote last night. I have a sinking feeling in my stomach due to a mix of nerves and fear. So many things are running through my head, will she read it, will she reply or does she hate me. God I couldn’t bear it if she hated me. I need something from her, anything just as long I have something more with her than what I’ve got. I’ve been walking around in a daze from yesterday, I feel all mixed up inside, but I need some closure. I need to be able to move on no matter what way that may be. This waiting is so hard, but after talking to Bette today at lunch I realise I have to give her time to sort out her head and be clear when she replies. So I guess I just have to wait.