Haunted

Chapter 3 – Scars

Dude whats wrong? Shane walked over and kneeled in front of Alex. A worried expression on her face. Alex shook her head and put the guitar away.

Nothing. Now Shane was really worried. Shed never seen Alex cry before and she wanted to know what had upset her. Shane reached out and stroked her cheek gently.

Tell me. Alex got up moving away from Shane towards the kitchen. Shane followed her not prepared to give up so quickly. Alex took out some left over pizza out of the fridge and bit into it her back still to Shane. She was trying to buy time not knowing what to tell Shane. It was that damn song. She hadnt thought about the past in ages and all it took was one song to bring all the memories flooding back. She closed her eyes willing the memories to go back into that little box in her head she had them locked in. She couldnt let them out. The last time she had, they had nearly killed her. The memory of that night was so vivid, she could almost taste the bile. She swallowed again hard before turning around her face as casual as always.

Theres nothing to tell. Shane looked into Alex eyes and she looked like the old Alex again as if nothing had happened. But Shane knew that wasnt true. She cursed under her breath.

Damn it, Alex! You know I have never forced you to tell me anything about yourself you didnt want to. But Im worried about you She let her voice trail off and then just sighed leaning on the counter.

Theres nothing to worry about. Im fine. I just get a bit emotional when I sing. Thats all. Shane turned around to face Alex.

Youre lying. Shane turned and walked away leaving Alex to her demons of the past. Alex sighed. She wanted to tell Shane, but how could she. Shed never told anyone the whole truth. Whenever she tried, she would see the look in their eyes. First the horror of what shed told them. Then the sympathy which she could barely handle. And then the pity which she couldnt stand. Alex felt that old rage bubbling inside her again and she slammed her hand on the counter barely registering the pain.

Quickly she walked over to the little room they used for junk and pulled out her gym bag and left without even saying goodbye. Shane heard the door close and she sighed. This is exactly why she didnt do relationships. It was too late now though

*****

Shane heard the door open and close and got up from the bed. If Alex thought she was getting off the hook this easy, she was dead wrong. She walked downstairs, but when she entered the living room, she saw it wasnt Alex that had come home but Nicky and Angela and with them Marina.

Hello Shane. Shane smiled. She was glad to see Marina and Angela were getting along better. Marina had told her how Angela had reacted to her taking her fathers job offer.

Hey.

Wheres Alex? I wanna know if she read my business proposal Nicky looked at Shane with a big smile that slowly evaporated when she saw the tired expression on her face.

She isnt here. I dont know where she is. Marina moved over to her friend and gently guided her to the couch.

What happened? Shane shrugged. She didnt really know. They hadnt exactly had a fight. But things werent alright either. And she was still worried about Alex.

I walked in on her singing this song. She was crying. When I asked her about it, she brushed me off and then she just left. Nicky and Angela exchanged a glance that went unnoticed by Shane, but Marina picked it up. She glared at the two of them.

Whats going on? Angela looked away. It wasnt her place to say anything. Nicky coughed and just shook her head. But by now it was too late. Shane had already picked up on the vibes between the two.

What the ***** is going on? Nicky looked up and saw the worry in Shanes eyes. She sighed. She really liked this girl, but she had her doubts about how long shed stick around. Alex was a very difficult person to live with. Shane hadnt even seen the half of it yet. Nicky wondered what shed do when she saw who she was really involved with. She loved her friend with all her heart. She loved her despite her flaws. Or maybe it was because of them. But none of them could deny that Alex had flaws and a lot of them. Somehow most of them tied in to her past although Nicky still hadnt quite figured out how.

Its not my place to tell, Shane. Shane looked at her with pleading eyes.

Fine. Nicky took a deep breath. She knew Alex was going to kick her ***** for telling Shane anything. She hated people finding out about who she used to be.

Therapy. Shane and Marina both looked at her questioningly.

The song is therapy. She wrote it in high school. It was supposed to help her deal with stuff. Nicky paused for a moment thinking to herself. I suppose in a way it did. But now it also brings back the things she tries so hard to forget.

What things? Before Nicky could say anything, Angela cut in. She knew less than Nicky did and didnt want Nicky to have to betray Alex confidence.

We dont know all the details. She wont tell us. All we know is that she was abandoned at birth by her mother. She grew up in a bunch of foster homes and an orphanage. She ran away at the age of seven. Lived on the streets for a while. I think she even went to juvi for a few months. And then my parents adopted her. Thats it.

I dont understand Shane still didnt see how this tied in to the song and the pain shed heard in Alex voice. She knew what it was like to be abandoned. Theyd in a way shared the same life. Only Alex had managed to crawl out at a younger age than she did. Alex had told her most of this, so why wouldnt she talk to her tonight.

We dont know the details, but stuff happened. In the orphanage. Nicky shrugged. Everyone deals differently. Alex blocks it out. And she sings. Well, she used to anyway. Nicky looked at Shane hoping this answer would satisfy her. She did know some of the details and she knew it wasnt her place to say anything. She still remembered the day theyd gotten a little drunk at a party and Alex had gotten all serious and told her some of the things that had happened to her. Shed felt so sorry for Alex. All shed wanted to do was hold her and make the pain go away. In stead theyd gotten even more drunk and had ended up passed out on the back lawn.

Perhaps you need to ask Alex, ma cherie, Marina said her arms still wrapped around Shanes shoulders. Suddenly something clicked in Shanes head.

Its how she got the scars isnt it? On her back.

I dont know Shane. She wouldnt tell me. Angela looked at Nicky. She knew her long enough to know that she was lying. She was about to press the issue when Nicky looked up and suddenly Angela was thrown off balance. She saw sorrow. She closed her eyes. What the ***** had happened to her sister? And why the ***** hadnt anyone ever bothered to tell her?

*****

It was well after four in the morning when Alex finally made her way home. Everything was quiet and dark when she opened the front door. She walked upstairs and entered her bedroom. A wave of relief filled her when she saw Shanes sleeping form in the bed. She hadnt realized it, but shed been worried Shane would have given up on her and left. She walked over slowly taking off her clothes and crawled into bed. She softly kissed Shanes neck not wanting to wake her up.

Alex shook her head. Sometimes she said or did things and she had no idea where they were coming from. It was like there was this power or force inside of her that sometimes took over and pushed away her common sense. And people got hurt. Because of her. A song shed written a long time ago popped into her head

I don’t know what’s worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
I don’t know why I instigate
And say what I don’t mean
I don’t know how I got this way
I know it’s not alright
So I’m breaking the habit
I’m breaking the habit
Tonight

Only she didnt know how to break the habit She sighed and cuddled up to Shane letting the warmth of her body take away the cold she was feeling. She was feeling so cold

*****

When Shane woke up, she saw Alex lying on her stomach next to her. Her gaze inadvertently traveled to her back again. She tried to count the scars but there were so many. The big ones werent hard to spot, but it was the little ones she lost count of. The ones that were barely visible. The ones that she couldnt see, but she could feel. Her fingers trailed the ridge of the biggest scar. The one starting just below Alex right shoulder and ending just above the swell of her *****.

Alex shivered at her touch and awoke with a start. Instead of pulling away Shane placed her hand on her back.

Im sorry, I didnt mean to hurt you. Alex shook her head.

You didnt theyre just very sensitive. She turned over making Shanes hand slip from her back to her stomach the palm of her hand resting softly against yet another scar.

Is this from the biking accident too? Alex smiled. She remembered the night shed gotten that one. It had been scary and painful, but the only thing that had really stuck in her head was the adrenaline she had felt that night.

No I got it helping Ice track down an FTA. Shane looked at her puzzled.

FTA?

Failed To Appear. Someone whos skipped bail. Ice used to work for a bail enforcement agency. I used to help her out. I still help them out sometimes. And so does Ice. When the skip is particularly nasty. Shane looked worried at this. Alex was still doing this. Tracking down criminals. Alex laughed.

Its not as dangerous as it sounds. Most of the time its just people whove forgotten about their court date and I just go remind them of it, or drive them to court.

But not always Shane said softly her finger now trailing the scar. Alex shook her head.

Not always. She took Shanes hand in hers entwining their fingers. But Im always careful. Shane started to say something and Alex knew what it was before she started.

But why do it if its dangerous? Alex sighed. Shed tried to explain it so often. To her sister. To Nicky. To her parents. How could she explain if she didnt quite know herself. So this time she opted for the truth.

I dont know. Its just something I need to do once in a while. It makes me feel better. Shane nodded. She pulled Alex closer and whispered in her ear.

Ok. Alex was taken aback for a moment. She pulled away.

Just like that? Ok? Shane nodded. She licked her lips. She knew what it was like to need to do things sometimes that made you feel better. She hadnt had to do them for a while now. Just being here with Alex, not ***** up her life, had been enough. But there had been times when she had needed to lose herself and shed needed some help doing it.

Everyone deals different right? Alex looked at her confused. Deals differently? With what? Shane saw the question in Alex eyes.

With stuff. She let her hand caress the scar on Alex back making her shiver again.

Will you tell me some day? Alex didnt need to ask this time to know what Shane meant. Would she tell her some day? Would she be willing to risk seeing pity in her eyes? When she looked into Shanes eyes she knew.

Yeah, dude, some day. Shane nodded a smile spreading over her face.

Im sorry, Alex whispered before she felt Shanes lips on hers and she sighed into her kiss.