It’s been six months since I’ve heard her voice, six months since I’ve smelled her fragrance, six months since I’ve seen her brown eyes, six months since I gave a damn about someone. Six months since she came into my life only to destroy it and leave me to pick up the pieces all by myself, six months since she selfishly played with my emotions. Six months since I got in over my head and told her I was falling in love with her, and six months full of days that I’ve regretted since.

Nothing separated us anymore, not states, not hatred, not stubbornness, not excuses, there was no wall between us. There was no shield I could put in front of me to keep her out any longer, block her from my memory like I’ve been doing for so long. There was no where to run, no shelter I could seek refuge in, this wasn’t a dream I could wake up from that could be forgotten as the day wore on. For months I prayed to see her again, I played out scenarios in which we did meet again, none of which I ever planned on coming true. But nothing could have prepared me for this, months of shutting people out seemed pointless, months of hiding my real feelings was insignificant and months of defense mechanisms developed were deemed worthless. The undying feeling of anticipation finally had a reason for existence, there was a reason I felt that way because eventually I’d have to deal with it. I knew deep down that I would see her again, I knew that my family kept in touch with hers and it was only a matter time, I worked hard to forgive and forget but it’s a little easier said than done. It shouldn’t have come as a surprise to me, like I said it was only a matter of time until I had to deal with it.

And now that time that didn’t seem to matter has come and it’s time for me to deal with it, it didn’t mean I was going to but I could entertain the idea.  She was staring at me and I was staring right back just as hard, just as shocked as she was. We’d both been set up, it was clear as day and yet…and yet I couldn’t bring myself to feel relief, joy, anger or even betrayal. I felt nothing. I felt nothing for her and she meant nothing to me. But I could tell by the look in her eye that she felt something and that I meant something to her. I just wish I could say the same for her still.