I think I
was scared to let Ashley take me in that first week because
I’d always imagined my new first time being somewhere
incredible, like Italy; which I’m sure if I told her that
she would fly me there in a heartbeat. But I realized that
it didn’t matter where I was or how many candles were lit
or where the sun was positioned in the sky, the only thing
that mattered is who I was with. The only thing I wanted
was for my “first time” to be with Ashley, I loved her
and I have all along, she makes me feel safe. This whole
time I’ve been scared of letting her in intimately because
I have this mixed up thinking process that I believe she
will leave me when it’s over, like every other guy in my
life. That and her experience with girls is causing me to
become self conscious, she has something to compare me to;
I’m afraid she’ll just laugh at me. Okay I know, enough
of this crazy talk, I’m being ridiculous right? Let’s
hope so because there is no turning back now, I don’t
think I could even if I wanted to.

Her gaze held my eyes and I was still under her trance, time
was moving slow and I just wanted her to say something,
anything. She looked confused, did she need some
clarification? I guess I was sort of broad when I said that
I wanted her, I mean I wanted her to what exactly? Before my
mind could decide if I should elaborate or not, my lips made
the decision for me.

“I want you…to take me” I whisper in her ear, and run
my index finger up and down the back of her neck.

~~~

I pull her face back so that I can look into her eyes again,
I’m trying to search them to see if she’s kidding, if
this is her idea of a sick joke then I will not be pleased.
She wouldn’t do that to me but I had to make sure. I
didn’t want to do anything that would jeopardize what we
have by being selfish and rushing things. This girl means
everything to me, more then everything to me if that’s
even possible.

I loved her, yup that’s right folks, love.
She’s had her fair share of asshole relationships, the
cheaters, the dicks, the pressured ones, and most recently
the hitters. I’d be damned if I was going to be added to
any of those categories, I did everything in my will power
to not end up another disappointment. After the first time
she told me to stop I never attempted anything ever again, I
could tell it frustrated her beyond reason.

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